What Does it Look Like to Become One in Marriage?

This is a big question, one that often leaves us feeling torn. On one hand, culture gives us one answer, and on the other, the Bible offers a completely different perspective. So, where do we land on this?

Culture often suggests that even in marriage, it’s okay to have secrets from our spouse. It tells us that it’s fine to have feelings or experiences that we don’t share with our husband or wife. We also hear that we need to protect ourselves, which sometimes means keeping a little stash of money hidden away, just in case things don’t go the way we expect. It’s important to proctect yourself from the unexpected. But it goes deeper than that. In today’s world, we’re encouraged to seek individual counseling, therapy, or coaching, and the question arises: should these personal revelations be kept secret from our spouse? Do these secrets create division? Do they give Satan a foothold? Is there a right or wrong answer, or should everyone be free to decide what’s best for themselves?

These are big questions, indeed.

But what does the Bible say about this? In Genesis 2:24, we’re told that “they shall become one flesh.” When a man and woman are married, they become one—one in all things. Your spouse should be your secret keeper, your confidant, your partner in everything. There shouldn’t be parts of your life that are kept private from them. Stashing away money for a potential emergency or for "just in case" scenarios suggests a lack of trust in the unity that God intended for marriage. How can we build a relationship of trust, unity, teamwork, and beauty if we’re keeping secrets from one another?

When we choose to marry, we choose to share all of ourselves with our spouse. We all carry hurt and experiences from our lives prior to being married but that hurt and those experiences shape who we become. When we don’t share with our spouse what those hurts and experiences are, then they don’t have the ability to understand our love us the way that we may need. I would even venture to say that if you are keeping something from your spouse because you are afraid that they will be hurt, angered, saddened or any other negative feeling, then this is something they should be told. In our oneness we share all things.

Sharing all of yourself doesn’t mean that you have to lose your identity. As believers we know that our identity is in Christ and yet we are all still very different. It’s okay to be an individual and still be married. It’s okay to have your own joys, passions, hobbies, friends, conversations, jobs, and things that you enjoy—after all, you are still you. Your spouse loves you because you are you! While we remain true to who we are, we are also connected and building relationship with our spouse. We are more and more becoming the “one” that God designed. Find joys, passions, hobbies, friends, etc that you enjoy together. It’s also okay for a spouse to attend counseling, therapy, or coaching on their own. However, what follows should be a conversation where the other spouse is aware of the counseling, therapy, or coaching. There should be dialogue about what is being learned, what is being discussed, and why this outside resource is needed. When we marry, we become one flesh; we become one in all things.

One of the most important things to remember about becoming one flesh in marriage is that this is God’s design. His goodness is woven into this design of marriage. If the Lord is at the center of your marriage, in His rightful place, there should not be a struggle over individual identity. The two spouses should be united in the calling of the Lord for their lives, for their home, for their children, because the Lord is not confusing.

The Bible’s perspective challenges us to rethink what culture tells us. It encourages us to build our marriages on a foundation of complete transparency and trust, knowing that what God has joined together, no one should separate (Mark 10:9). When we embrace this Biblical view, we create a marriage where true intimacy and unity can flourish—where there’s no room for secrets, only the shared journey of two people becoming one in every sense.

Disclaimer: If you are in therapy, counseling or coaching due to abuse in your marriage and you are actively seeking advice, that does not need to be shared with your spouse until it is appropriate to share at a later time. Please do what you need to do to keep yourself safe and mentally healthy.