The Last Time We Were Intimate Was...
Ok husbands and wives this is for you. Do you ever find that you are in a place of disagreement about when the last time you were intimate was? I know right. . . it happens all the time! My friends and I are constantly having conversations over this same topic and the division that it can cause.
The Difference Between the Low Drive and High Drive Spouse As the low drive spouse it is very realistic for a them to look at their spouse and say, “ What do you mean it’s been 5 days? We had sex just a couple of nights ago.” The high drive spouse will look at their spouse in the most loving way and try to remind them that they are wrong and it has definitely been longer. The low drive doesn’t do this on purpose; it's just, they honestly doesn't feel like that many days have passed.
On the flip side, the high drive may take what has been 2 days and turn it into 5. For them it seems to be that anything longer than a couple of days must be a week! It’s not that they purposefully exaggerate time without physical intimacy, it's just generally noticed more by them and then feels like more time has passed than is realistic. After many disagreements and hurt feelings, how can couples find resolution?
Heres An Idea I have 1 idea, and only 1 idea at this time! After 15 years of marriage this was my answer. I bought a planner. Ha-ha, no I didn’t buy it with the plan of keeping track of our sex life. I bought my planner to try and keep my life organized. I mean you can find stickers for literally everything. How many days a month you are buying coffee, watching Netflix, babysitters, sporting events, women’s monthly cycles, visits to the gym, and the list could go on forever!
So as I had gotten used to having all my stickers and keeping track of things, my husband and I had one of our "sex time frame" disagreements. That was when it hit me.
I will put a gold star in my planner for every day that we are intimate. This was how I could show him and myself that I am right. (yes, I am aware this was the wrong attitude to start with). I didn’t tell him at first. It was my little secret and it was working great. There was an evening that we were in bed and I was filling in my calendar. I noticed that I hadn’t gotten a gold star for a couple of days. My goal had been at least 3 a week! Without even thinking about it I said, “I need a gold star, let’s get busy!” My hubby looked at me completely confused and that is when I shared with him what I had been doing.
I Told Him The Secret
We talked about it and my eyes were opened to what a change the planner had made in our marriage for the good. All of a sudden I became the instigator on many days. I was more playful and excited to be intimate. As silly as that sounds, it was the truth. My husband felt wanted and missed by me. He felt like he was a priority and important. I had experienced a total mental shift.
He was attentive to my needs in a non-sexual way even more than usual (he is already a very attentive man). We were both treating the other better without even realizing it. It seems so silly that a gold star sticker and a planner changed our relationship, but it did. Who doesn’t love receiving gold stars and seeing a whole month full of them on a calendar? Ultimately the gold star wasn’t the reward. The reward was the positive change in our marriage and sex life, the outcome of that shiny little sticker!
What Does The Bible Say? As Christians the Lord calls us to be intimate with our spouse. We are reminded of the damage that occurs when we aren’t. 1 Corinthians 7:5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
I know that when we are physically separated it gives space for Satan to come in and cause mayhem. I know for myself that when my husband and I have periods of time when we aren’t intimate it causes dissention, irritability, and hurt. These things aren’t on purpose and sometimes I don’t even realize I am feeling them until after the time has passed. Don’t leave room for Satan to come ruffle the sheets in your marriage bed.
Complete Passion Song of Solomon 7:6-12 The Message (MSG) 7 1-9 Shapely and graceful your sandaled feet, and queenly your movement— Your limbs are lithe and elegant, the work of a master artist. Your body is a chalice, wine-filled. Your skin is silken and tawny like a field of wheat touched by the breeze. Your breasts are like fawns, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is carved ivory, curved and slender. Your eyes are wells of light, deep with mystery. Quintessentially feminine! Your profile turns all heads,
commanding attention. The feelings I get when I see the high mountain ranges —stirrings of desire, longings for the heights— Remind me of you, and I’m spoiled for anyone else! Your beauty, within and without, is absolute, dear lover, close companion. You are tall and supple, like the palm tree, and your full breasts are like sweet clusters of dates. I say, “I’m going to climb that palm tree! I’m going to caress its fruit!” Oh yes! Your breasts will be clusters of sweet fruit to me, Your breath clean and cool like fresh mint, your tongue and lips like the best wine.
The Woman 9-12 Yes, and yours are, too—my love’s kisses flow from his lips to mine. I am my lover’s. I’m all he wants. I’m all the world to him! Come, dear lover— let’s tramp through the countryside. Let’s sleep at some wayside inn, then rise early and listen to bird-song. Let’s look for wildflowers in bloom, blackberry bushes blossoming white, Fruit trees festooned with cascading flowers. And there I’ll give myself to you, my love to your love!
I Challenge You Wow, can you read the passion these two have for one another? The Bible gives us great insight as to what God had planned for us. Being married and intimate was planned to be full of passion.
If you have lost that or have yet to find it, do something. Find a playful way to enjoy being intimate with one another. Being one with your spouse shouldn’t be out of obligation but out of want and desire as well. We need to remind ourselves of this and then do it! I challenge you spouses to try it out. If you are a couple who has lost a little spark, newly weds that haven’t figured out what you want your normal to be, or a perfectly healthy marriage, you can't go wrong!
This was such a fun and exciting experiment. Try it for a month or try it for a year. Whatever you do, grab a calendar or planner and some stickers. You can do this together or do it on your own, either way you will learn something about your relationship and grow in the process. HAVE FUN!
If you head over to sweethoneysacrifice.com and subscribe via email I will send you a printable 1 month calendar that you can tuck away in a drawer and use for your intimate moments. All you have to do is subscribe and get your stickers! Ready......set......go!