As promised, here is part two of the sex-drive blog post. If you missed it, go check out 7 Tips for the High Drive Spouse here.
If you are in a marriage, it is typical for there to be a low-drive and a high-drive spouse. For those of you that are both high-drive, woot woot, lucky you, enjoy the ride!
If you are my couple where both of you are low-drive, you will have to be intentional in finding that connection and forming that bond. It isn't impossible, and even if you don't think your body needs the intimacy, your heart, mind, and marriage do.
Let's get right down to it! As the low-drive spouse there are more than likely times that you are experiencing guilt for saying no, wondering what is wrong with you, asking yourself, "why don't I want sex more", feeling frustrated that your spouse is constantly asking for sex, and or wishing that you were a better initiator.
Do you want to change those things?
Suppose your answer to the above question was yes. In that case, it will take some self-discovery, some mental awakening, and a big bowl of honesty soup.
Here we go….
1. You have to want to want to be more sexually intimate
If you are the love drive spouse and you don't want to change the place that you are in right now, then you won't see change. You may not physically have this yearning (yet), but do you want to be more sexually intimate with your spouse in your heart and mind?
When we want something, we are willing to work for it, and that is the mentality that needs to be with you here in your sexual marriage experiences. Changing your mindset about sex is always going to be step one. Decide that you want to want more sexual intimacy because you want to feel closer to your spouse. Decide that you want to want sexual intimacy because you don't want to argue and fight over sex with your spouse. Decide that you want more sexual intimacy because you are ready to open up and ask for things you want, which makes you feel pleasure.
It doesn't matter what your reason is (to start with). It just matters that you want to want to be more sexually intimate.
2. Express your wants and desires
Oftentimes, as the low-drive spouse, there is the mentality that "sex is for them, I'm doing this for them." Step out of that and know that your sexual experiences together are just as much for you as for them. Your spouse wants you to enjoy it too. You don't have to be a passive participant. Speak up. Do you want foreplay before the show? Tell or ask your spouse for that. Do you want to have a little make-out session on the living room couch first? Go for it. Your married sexual experiences should be what you both want and need.
Communicating about sex is often more difficult for the low-drive spouse, which is why they don't tend to get their sexual needs fulfilled. That, in turn, leads to an even lower drive. Don't be afraid to talk to your spouse about sex. It's ok to say words like penis, vagina, clitoris, balls, labia, orgasm, etc. You get my point. This is your marriage, your partner, your love; talk to them about your sex life.
3. Getting started will help get you in the mood
How quick as the low-drive spouse are you to say, "no, I just don't feel like it?" It's so easy when you don't feel like your body is awake, let alone feeling sexual. However, suppose you allow your spouse to romance you with kisses on the neck, behind the ear, and on your lower back. In that case, you are almost sure to start to feel that little tingle of excitement. Getting started gets those endorphins pumping!
Don't be so quick to turn down your spouse. I want to even mention this. You don't have to engage in sexual foreplay to get mentally and physically ready. Just think about it, really think about what is taking place between the two of you when you make love. God's design is to bond you together, to make the two of you one. To be sharing parts of your body with your spouse that aren't shared with anyone else. Go get yourself spruced up a little. Taking the time to "get ready" for your spouse can be a complete turn-on as well, especially for women.
Go put on that perfume, that red lipstick, and a little sexy nighty. Most women find it very difficult to not get aroused when purposefully getting ready for their man. Unless, of course, you storm into your bedroom angry and get ready to prove a point. That won't help anyone.
Get started with your sexual intimacy in your mind before you even begin to engage physically, and allow those kisses to overwhelm you!
4. Initiate Sometimes
When the low-drive spouse takes the initiative, they are taking control from the beginning. How fast are things going to go, where will you be, what is happening first? These are all things that the initiator puts into play.
Set your mind to the right place and decide that you will show your spouse that you want and desire them. As the high-drive that spouse often feels undesired and unwanted, this is a great treat for them and a great way to make them feel special.
If initiating is a struggle for you or you get easily embarrassed, that ok. It doesn't take much. Whisper in your spouse's ear that you want them. Send a text that says meet me _____, and let's have some sexy fun! You don't have to put on a striptease to be the initiator.
5. Try new positions and sexual activities
Being the low-drive and especially a low-drive who isn't willing to have sex very often will lead to very vanilla sexual experiences because the high-drive will take what they can get. It's better than nothing, right? This also leads to the low-drive wanting sexual intimacy even less.
Use your communication and step outside of your usual box. What is something you have always thought would be fun or exciting? Try that! There is so much freedom in the marriage bed. So many fun things to do and try. You can even look at different sex positions here (stick people style, nothing inappropriate). Try something, and laugh when it doesn't work quite right. Some of these positions are impossible for the average person.
God didn't create sex to be boring or monotonous. He didn't create it for one spouse and not the other. He made sex to bond a husband and wife together, to create intimacy and build trust. Sexual intimacy is arousing and pleasurable per God's design! Read Song of Songs and hear the passion taking place as the male and female describe the beauty of one another's body and their desire for one another.
6. Saying "no" is still ok
There will be times when saying "no" is still ok as long as there are more yeses than no's, or your marriage isn't suffering from that lack of sexual intimacy. As you become more aware of your own wants and needs, along with the wants and needs of your spouse, you will know when you are unkind or unfair to your spouse by refusing them.
We all get sick, we all have nights of little or no sleep, we all get it. Just be aware of what is happening in your marriage. Keep a calendar. You can get a one-month printable calendar free from Sweet Honey and Sacrifice here by subscribing via email. There are so many times that as the low-drive, you don't realize how many days have passed without being sexually intimate. A calendar will help with that. Read this blog post to see what I mean.
Saying "no" is still ok, but check your reasons before you react.
7. Express to your spouse that you care about their feelings
One way you can show your spouse that you hear them and understand their wants and needs is to watch the words you are using in your response. Do you roll your eyes? Do you simply say "no" with no explanation? Do you get frustrated and angry that they are asking again? Be mindful of how you are responding. Instead of "no," try suggesting something different. Maybe if your spouse wants sex but you really don't think you can get in the mood for that, then offer them manual stimulation. Offer a different sexual alternative that will
still allow them that sexual release.
Instead of saying no, say how about in an hour. Then in that time, get yourself mentally prepared like we talked about in tip #3.
If "no" is really going to stay "no," then explain why. Apologize and validate their feelings. We all know how hard rejection is. Rejection for your spouse is no different from you about sex than when you are rejected by someone for something you want. Rejection hurts, and when you love the one rejecting you, it hurts even more. Make sure that in your answer, you are loving your spouse. You are still making them feel valued and important. Don't just slough them off and walk away. You are a team!
I hope that you find some excitement in this. Knowing that there are ways to help boost your libido, that you can still say "no" sometimes, and that God created sexual pleasure for both spouses. Being high-drive and low-drive doesn't have to cause a problem in your marriage! Work together to meet both of your needs. Read both sides of this blog series together, and then talk about it from your position. Listen to one another, grow together and pray that the Lord would unite you and bless you in the sexual intimacy area of your marriage.
Thank you so much for your design for sexual intimacy between man and wife. Thank you that although most couples have differing sex drives, you designed our bodies to react to one another and to mental stimulation. I pray for the couples and individuals struggling in their sexual intimacy that you would shine a light on the troubles, open up communication, take away the barriers that are in the way, and bless these unions. We love you and thank you for all of our many blessings.