The Myth of Falling Out of Love: Understanding the Power of Intentional Action in Marriage

Our culture often leads us to believe that falling in and out of love is beyond our control, like a force of nature we’re helpless against. But I’m here to share a different perspective—one rooted in faith and God’s design for marital love. Contrary to popular belief, love isn’t something that just happens to us; it’s something we actively cultivate. Many of us start our relationships full of life and love—vibrant, exciting, and brimming with desire to be with that person. But what happens when those feelings seem to fade? What do you do when you feel like love is slipping away? And what does that mean for your marriage? Let’s explore these questions together.

First, I want you to pause and take a trip down memory lane. Think back to your very first date with your spouse. Close your eyes and remember what you felt—were you nervous, excited, scared? Were you full of hope? Once those feelings are fresh in your mind, consider what you did for that person in those early days. Chances are, you were talking on the phone regularly, sending random text messages just because you missed them, and making time for dates and meet-ups. You went out of your way to love them the best you could, so they would feel cherished. You held hands, shared kisses, and felt the thrill of building something new together. It was your actions that created the relationship you were nurturing.

There was so much joy in those moments, wasn’t there?

Now, think about your marriage today. What actions are you still incorporating into your daily life with your spouse? Are you still talking on the phone, sending random texts, holding hands, stealing kisses, and making time for date nights? Are you still getting to know each other on deeper levels? For most of us, the answer is no. Life gets busy. We have kids, work, and responsibilities that often take precedence. We stop doing the things that built our relationship in the first place, and before we know it, communication dwindles, and affection wanes. Our marriages can start to feel like another chore, another task to manage in an already demanding life.

Do you see where I’m going with this? When we stop taking loving actions, it impacts the depth and intensity of our feelings. If you want your marriage to thrive, if you want to feel in love, you must continue to show the actions of being in love. Marriage isn’t always perfect. You won’t always feel that initial excitement or the butterflies in your stomach, but you can create moments where you know, without a doubt, that your person is your person, for now and forever. Being in love is more than just a feeling; it’s a commitment to action.

When we look at marriage from God’s perspective, there’s no room for falling out of love. God’s design for marriage was for one man and one woman to join in holy matrimony and spend their lives loving one another—loving one another as Christ loves the Church. Marriage is a partnership in all things: raising children, pursuing careers, building a home, sharing joy, and worshiping together. The Bible doesn’t promise that marriage will always make us happy or that it will be easy, but it does tell us that everything God creates is good. Marriage is good. So, how well are you loving your spouse in the way that Christ loves the Church? Are you keeping love alive through your actions, or are you letting your feelings dictate your actions?

I encourage you to love your spouse as you did in the beginning—in a way that leaves no doubt that forever is part of your story.

To help you rekindle that connection, here are some practical steps to get started:

• Begin and end each day with intentional connection: Start your mornings with warm greetings and goodbyes, and close your nights with "I love you."

• Spend at least 15 minutes together daily: Whether it’s playing a game, baking cookies, having a meaningful conversation, or simply cuddling on the couch, make time to connect.

• Cultivate positive moments: By creating positive memories through shared actions, you can reignite those loving feelings and strengthen your bond.

Remember, love is not a feeling that controls us—it’s a series of intentional actions that we choose every day. Let those actions be the foundation that keeps your marriage strong, vibrant, and full of love.

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